Humor me for a moment and think about every instance in which you’ve taken on greater responsibility. You need to pass a driver’s test to get your license. You have to submit an application (or 100) in order to get a new job. You need to submit an application for housing. Even animal shelters, who are “inundated” and “overflowing” across the country, require an application with references in order to adopt their animals. If you graduated from college, you had to apply at least 6 months ahead of time, and someone had to verify that you met all the prerequisite criteria.
Now think about the greatest possible responsibility you can assume. For me, that’s becoming a parent. There’s no application for conceiving. It’s a decision that Abby and I made, and it felt somewhat odd to not need to clear it with anyone else. I understand why, as it seems nearly impossible to police conception, but I wouldn’t put it past members of this congress to try. All jokes aside, deciding to bring life into this world is an expression of arrogance. It feels like we’re telling the world “We’ve got life so well figured out that we can continue to thrive while not sleeping, giving 50% of my effort to simply keeping someone else alive, and giving the other 50% to trying to figure out what in the world ‘gentle parenting’ means.”
I am overjoyed that we are embarking on this journey, and I can’t wait for the world to tell us how wrong we were for our arrogance. I want to be the strongest supporter I can be both for Abby and for my future child. There is limitless information about what pregnant women should do to maximize the health of them and their baby, but I have found limited information on how to support your pregnant partner. As an extra show of arrogance, I’d like to share some of the lessons from our first pregnancy and focus on the actions a supporter should take.
Your partner is changing even before they realize they’re changing
Pregnancy is a wrestling match. As a wise Dr. House once said: “You have a parasite… Don’t worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites… It has your eyes.” (Side note: I’ll watch anything with Hugh Laurie.) I think this is a great way to think about pregnancy. Your child/parasite is actively feeding on your partners nutrients, and your child/parasite is creating a home for itself very early on. Contrary to popular belief, your child/parasite’s genetic material is responsible for 50% of the womb development. Your partner is changing because the hormones that they have running through their bloodstream aren’t entirely their own.
For example, Abby likes to call me in the middle of her day, and I like it when Abby calls me in the middle of her day. Abby is always resilient, but before we knew she was pregnant, she called me crying. She recounted an interaction with a couple of peers in her class that were walking in the same direction as her, but when she tried to talk with them, they were very deep in their own interaction and basically ignored her. She continued to walk behind them in silence until she reached her car for lunch. On the phone, Abby was irrational. She couldn’t believe they wouldn’t give her the time of day. At the time, I thought it was just bad day. Instead, it was the start of many beautiful days.
That same week, she called me twice from the top of a stairwell. Each time she told me “I need to work out more. I’m out of breath.” During the first few weeks of pregnancy, blood volume increases by 50%. This is just the beginning of the physical changes associated with pregnancy, but it’s not as outwardly apparent. None of this is to say that supporters should look for changes in behavior or appearance, that might get you in an entirely different kind of trouble. However, I bring these stories up to show how your partner might change in ways you might not anticipate, and that’s okay! I find it’s my job to support these changes and adapt my life to accommodate them in the same way that she is.
Tangible actions a supporter can take in the first trimester
Feed: Think of yourself as a nutritionist. Understand your partner’s nutrient needs. When we found out that Abby is pregnant, we immediately found resources to complete her nutrient profile. Abby is vegan, and while meat isn’t a necessity for pregnancy, it certainly makes achieving nutrient needs much easier. For instance, we supplemented with iron, zinc, DHA, and choline, which aren’t necessary for all pregnancies. One of the things that Abby told me is that she is thinking about the health of our baby literally all day. Therefore, I find it’s my responsibility to think about her health. I do my best to keep track of her nutrient intake and make dinner that addresses any potential deficits.
Adapt: “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” Abby and I planned on tofu being our saving grace from a protein and nutrient perspective. We had meals planned that met all of her and our baby’s nutrient needs for the day, and almost all days relied upon tofu or tempeh in some form. That plan lasted a full three days. As soon as Abby’s symptoms hit, the thought of tofu and tempeh made her even more nauseous. We pivoted to beans and fake meats for a while until she was capable of having tofu again, but as your partner changes, so will their tastes and preferences. I refused to make any food for dinner until Abby called me on her way home, as her preferences around mid day were often miles from her preferences in the evening.
Attach: It’s your partner’s job to grow your future child, but I found it helped me find motivation to get things done when I thought of the fetus in Abby’s womb as a “who” instead of a “what”. For a while I tried to be scientific by referring to our daughter as “the fetus”, but that was a nonconscious disassociation that distanced me from the excitement that Abby felt every day. Find a nickname that you can be excited about saying. Make it fun! We used the name of the fruit that she was the size of at the time. (“Blueberry” was so cute that it stuck for a couple weeks.) There are times to be cool and distant, like when you’re a brilliant spy tasked with saving the world. My understanding is that pregnancy can feel like a comparably difficult task. Anything can happen in the first trimester, and your partner might not feel like pregnancy is a beautiful experience. Help them by creating excitement and something to look forward to.
Some beautiful parting words of encouragement from Abby
“Never before in my life have I been interested in my choline intake.”
“I took a deep breath, but the air was too cold, so I gagged.”
“Water is really bad.”
“Do I trust this burp?”